Feeling panicked when asked about your values?

Most of us have done the values exercise at some point. You pick your top five from a list, nod at how well they describe you, maybe even put them on a slide. Integrity. Excellence. People. Courage. It feels like your ideal self in all your shining glory.

I'll be honest, even as a coach, I used to get a sinking feeling when asked to list my top five. My internal world went something like this: panic, what are they, and if I can't answer does that mean I don't have any, and does that mean I shouldn't be coaching if I don't have values, do I have a moral compass, do I even know myself? Quick, just put something down that looks good.

If you've ever stared at the list and secretly panicked, you're not alone. You probably understand your values better than you think. You just haven't had the right frame for them yet.

Values started to make sense to me when I realised a tidy list is not how they work in real life. More often than not there are tensions between them (sigh of relief!). The context you're in gives one priority over the other in that moment. To draw a parallel, I love all my kids but sometimes I need to spend more time with one over the others when the situation arises. Values work the same way.

Discovering values tensions opened my eyes to them in my clients' stories too. One leader I coached had a team member who wasn't delivering on a high-visibility project. They cared about the person and about the standard, and those two things were at odds. Because of the tension, the leader said nothing for a couple of weeks because it felt kinder. Then the deadline arrived, their standards kicked in and the conversation came out more abruptly than intended. The team member felt blindsided and neither value was upheld.

Help is at hand

Getting to know your values has great benefit to leaders. Values can ground your decisions, shape how people experience you, and give you an anchor when everything is shifting. But they're not always pulling in the same direction. Understanding the tension between them gave me a new lens to use in moments where I felt stuck or inauthentic in my behaviour or decisions. It helps me spot a values clash when I'm in one. And then choose which value to lead with in the moment. It brings back a sense of relief, authenticity and choice, and is far more energising. I don't beat myself up about the gap between the leader I want to be and the one I actually am — mid bin fire, with a deadline, a sick child, and a diary like a traffic jam. Being honest with myself about what I'm choosing, and saying it out loud to the people around me, builds trust. I can show my values consistently and talk through my decisions, even mid bin fire.

Two things to try

Name the trade-off out loud. Next time you make a call where two things you care about are competing, say what you're choosing and what you're giving up. "I'm going with speed on this one because of the deadline, and that means we're not going to be as thorough as I'd like." Having that transparency around your values and being able to share with your team builds trust.

Check your defaults under pressure. Think back to your last three difficult moments as a leader. Which value won each time? Notice if the same one is on repeat. When we default to the same value out of habit rather than intention, there's usually a hidden cost.

References

Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An Overview of the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 2(1).

Garvey Berger, J. (2019). Cultivating our Leadership: Being led — and not misled — by our values. LinkedIn.