Is asking questions coaching?
More and more leaders are asked to take a coaching approach. It comes up in performance conversations, leadership programs and offsites. But what does it actually mean? Reading from a list of questions in a formal review? Asking a few questions before saying what needs to be said? Making people feel their view is valued before you say what’s on your mind?
At a glance it is about asking rather than telling. And that is not wrong. But underneath is something more fundamental: a genuine intention to expand your understanding of a situation rather than confirm what you already think. Before we explore what that looks like, it helps to understand why it is so hard for some leaders to do.
It starts with a pattern
Many of us find ourselves jumping in when a child or friend is struggling. We explain it, tell them what we would do, and it feels like helping. It is a pattern that has been forming for decades, long before we had a team, and it gets reinforced at work. Being the expert, the problem solver, the person with answers often gets rewarded early in a career. Add in the time pressures, the bulging inbox and the never-ending demands, and slowing down to ask rather than tell can feel like the last thing you have time for.
Yet when leaders create space for others to think, the results are hard to argue with. Problems get solved closer to the source, teams build judgment rather than just the ability to execute, and your energy goes to the things only you can do. And because people see you modelling inquiry, they start doing the same with their own teams. Over time the culture shifts, and the organisation gets better at learning and adapting.
What it actually takes
The real test is not whether you ask questions, but whether you walk in with real curiosity about what is going on, open to the possibility that the problem is different from what you expected. That means being willing to sit with not knowing longer than feels comfortable and resisting the pull to fill that space with your own advice.
It matters because people can tell the difference. When a leader is curious, conversations change. People bring more of their thinking, rather than what they think you want to hear. Listening before you form a view builds a more expansive picture of the reality around you. Leaders who develop this habit adapt better because they understand more of the system they are operating in.
The pull toward a quick read and a useful answer may not fully go away . Prepared questions can help build the habit, but only if they come from a desire to learn more.
Four to try
Before a significant conversation, listen first. Not to the person you are about to meet, but to what is happening around the problem. Talk to someone closer to it and walk in less certain than you were.
Start with "what's on your mind?" before you set the agenda. You hear what matters rather than what you assumed they came to talk about.
Ask "and what else?" before you offer anything. It slows down your advice reflex and almost always surfaces something important that would not have come up otherwise. Try it two or three times before you say anything.
None of this requires you to become a different person, or to coach every conversation. It requires one beat's pause before you do what comes naturally, and that pause, repeated often enough, changes the quality of thinking in the people around you.
At Nudge Leadership, we work with senior leaders and the organisations they lead, unpacking what's personal, what's systemic and how to make change. If this resonates, we'd love to hear from you
References
Bungay Stanier, M. (2016). The Coaching Habit. Box of Crayons Press.
Lawrence, P. & Moore, A. (2019). Coaching in Three Dimensions. Routledge
Garvey Berger, J. (2019). Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps. Stanford University Press.
