You’re having more conversations than ever. Are they working?
The word ‘discussion’ shares its origins with ‘concussion’, which might make sense when you think about how you feel after some discussions. Discussion often means knocking ideas against each other until one wins. When we’re focused on getting our point across, or just want a quick answer, we stop thinking together and miss what the conversation could have offered. We see this a lot in our coaching and work with teams, where many communication challenges can be traced back to people missing the chance to leave a conversation with more than they brought to it.
Dialogue is one way to change that. It’s about thinking and reflecting together until you reach an understanding neither person could have reached alone. Some problems can be sorted with a quick conversation, but in a fast-changing environment many of the issues leaders face are too complex to solve easily or alone. The harder the challenge, the better the conversation needs to be, with people slowing down, listening and building on each other’s thinking. And when people help build the answer, they’re far more committed to making it work.
So how do we do less telling and more building, and make room for thinking we couldn’t have done alone?
The dialogue with yourself
Every conversation starts with the one in your head, shaped by your assumptions about the other person, what you want from it and how you’re feeling. Many leaders are self-aware, but they move too fast to stop and notice what their internal voice is saying
Before an important conversation, ask yourself what might get in the way: what you’re feeling, what biases you might bring to this person or situation, and whether you’re ready to listen rather than wait to respond.
One to one
Without an audience, people often say things they wouldn’t say in a meeting. This makes one to one conversations a chance to hear what is really going on. If you are the most senior person in the room, you set the tone and people will look to you to see if it’s safe to be honest. If you arrive with your mind made up and ask questions to confirm what you already think, people will say what feels safe. You will miss what they think, and they will remember that being honest wasn’t worth it.
One to many
A group changes things because people are responding to each other as well as to you, and weighing up what they’re willing to say in front of others. Pressure for speed and certainty can turn a team meeting that could have been a dialogue into you broadcasting. People are invited to contribute, but the agenda leaves no time to build on, challenge or reflect on what others say.
Group dialogue needs a leader who is comfortable not knowing where the conversation will go.
Many to many
Here the focus moves away from you. In one to many, the conversation still runs through you, with people talking to you or for your benefit and watching your reaction. In many to many, people build on each other’s ideas and the best thinking happens between them.
If you want more collaboration, new ideas, people speaking up and fewer silos, this is the conversation that helps. Your role is to open it up and let it run, asking questions if needed and hold back on pushing your own view.
What to try
Not every conversation needs to be a dialogue, but if your discussions keep leaving people a little concussed, you might be missing out on thinking together. Here are three things to try.
Notice your ratio. In your next meeting, pay attention to how much you’re telling compared with how much you’re asking.
Build before you counter. When someone shares an idea, add to it before offering your own view. A simple ‘and what else…?’ can take the conversation somewhere new.
Close with a question. At the end of an important conversation, ask ‘What do we understand now that we didn’t at the start?’ It keeps the dialogue going.
Further reading
Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization. Wiley.
Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together. Currency/Doubleday.
Lawrence, P., Hill, S. (2019). The Tao of Dialogue. Routledge.
